MAKING LIFE MEANINGFUL

“I struggle with the feeling that life is meaningless... “Coral stares out my office window as she tries to describe her feelings of futility. Although Coral has friends, material wealth, education, and success, she has recently stopped experiencing her life as fulfilling and enriching. And although she has tried yoga, self-help groups, philanthropy and spiritual pursuit, nothing seems to mitigate against the growing feeling that life is not entirely worthwhile.

As a psychotherapist, I hear Coral’s complaint often. “I feel empty.” “Nothing pays off.” “Why can’t I feel happy?” “I feel hopeless about the future.” “My life doesn’t feel as meaningful as it should.” “What can I do to feel better about myself?” And as a clinician, I always notice a common trend amongst those who feel that life is not completely fulfilling.

I first noticed the trend while undergoing training to become a psychoanalyst. I was treating a young woman who consistently described her life as meaningless, yet could not explain the origin of her malcontent. As I observed her interaction with others, it became clear that although she had many superficial relationships she relied on no one. Whenever I encouraged her to turn to friends for support, she would complain bitterly that no one cared and that most people were not to be trusted. Unfortunately, her mistrust of others led to bad relationship choices wherein she did most of the ‘work’ and expected little in return.

Coral’s life was much the same. Although she had many friends, she expected little of them. At dinner, Coral always picked up the tab. During the holidays, Coral gave lavish gifts yet thwarted those who wished to give in return. And during friendly conversation, it was Coral who listened and offered consolation and advice.

Although Coral appeared to depend on people, her relationships were shallow. Unconsciously, Coral harbored the conviction that she would drive people away if she leaned on them for love and support. And her fear of abandonment led to acceptance of relationships wherein she did all the giving and never genuinely relied upon others.

At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, “Sure, she advocates making life meaningful by depending on others. She’s a shrink! But what would I hear if I turned to my rabbi or pastor?” In actuality, you would probably hear the same advice. At the heart of most major religions, mainline spiritual ideologies, education and science lies the principle that individuals must learn to appropriately rely on ideas and relationships outside of themselves. From the beginning of life, survival is dependent upon others. And as one progresses through life, she must learn to respect the influx of information, ideas and relationships that come from without.

Amongst psychotherapists there is a word to describe healthy, meaningful relationships that are marked by dependency and trust: “Anaclitic”. “Anaclitic” means to lean against another person. And anaclitic relationships are twosomes wherein one person appropriately turns to another for support. Anaclitic relationships are not marked by fierce independence or isolation. Nor are they marked by exploitative or manipulative use of the other person. Anaclitic relationships always share the following characteristics:

• Each person calls the other whenever he is in need.
• Each person trusts that the other is available.
• Each individual is able to talk easily and freely about himself.
• Neither individual feels easily humiliated or slighted.
• Each individual values relationships more than their home or material objects
• Each individual uses the relationship in order to meet personal needs.

Think for a moment about a friend or family member who consistently complains that life is not meaningful. Then ask yourself, “Would this individual’s life improve if he or she learned to rely on others?” Don’t be fooled by the individual who reports that life is futile, yet surrounds themself by a constant parade of friends and supporters. Although this individual may appear to rely on others, he or she may unconsciously feel that others are not genuinely dependable.

What about the individual who is generally happy, but who wishes to make their life feel more grounded and enriching? I would advocate learning to appreciate the constructive talents and teachings of others. For example:

• Take a class.
• Enjoy a work of art.
• Learn more about the teaching and philosophies of other cultures, groups and religions.
• Spend time understanding acquaintances and friends.

Although most of us have been taught that life is more valuable when giving to others, the opposite is also true. The hallmark of a meaningful life is the capacity to enjoy what others have to offer. This belief creates a feeling that the world is safe and dependable. It also imparts the conviction that one is never isolated or alone.