GETTING OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND

Many (or most) people occasionally suffer from the Merry-Go-Round Syndrome. In this particular syndrome, the person repeatedly chooses painful relationships, even though they may be fruitless and unrewarding.

For instance, Susan only dates alcoholics. Although she claims she wants a healthy relationship, she ends up with the same type of partner again and again.

Frances has been trying to please her partner for years. And although her partner remains unappreciative and withholding, Frances can’t stop herself from engaging in activities designed to elicit his approval.

Matthew continually surrounds himself by people who eventually betray him. Although he wants responsible, trustworthy business partners and friends, he is repeatedly disappointed.

Whenever I hear these types of stories (which is often), I find myself asking the following question: "Why does this person keep repeating the same painful situation again and again?" There are many theories about the ‘compulsion to repeat’. One theory is that the person making self-destructive choices unconsciously enjoys the familiarity of the situation he or she has chosen. Or that the he has become addicted to pain.

I do not find either of these theories useful or plausible. Instead, I feel that there is a strong, unconscious ‘pull’ to repeat painful situations from childhood until one feels that he or she has learned to ‘get them right’ and bring about better results.

For instance, Susan (the person mentioned above who chooses alcoholics as partners) had a mother who was addicted to prescription painkillers. During childhood, Susan repeatedly hoped that her mother would stop ‘using’. Yet her efforts to change her had never been successful. This, in turn, made Susan feel helpless, unimportant and demoralized. Therefore, as an adult, Susan unconsciously began to choose addicts as partners in the hope that this time she would be able to bring about the changes she had been unable to achieve for during childhood

In my clinical work, I find that the most common theme behind repetitive relationship and business mistakes is the wish to successfully resolve or change patterns that were problematic earlier in life; such as repetitive exposure to helplessness during childhood. Most children are driven to overcome helplessness and increasingly master their ever-widening environments. They learn to grab their forks and feed themselves, tie their own shoes, and learn about the world about them. But when a situation occurs that a child cannot master (such as getting a parent to stop drinking), he or she later becomes vulnerable to choosing similar situations with the hope that this time he or she will be able to exert some appropriate control.

For instance David, who was raised by angry parents, later chose an angry partner in an attempt to work through the anguish of growing up in a household where he was continually the victim of rage and misunderstanding. And Miranda came to treatment because she kept choosing men who were emotionally remote, eventually discovered that she was re-enacting a childhood scenario in which she had tried to engage a mother who was chronically depressed (and therefore also remote).

Unfortunately, the Merry-Go-Round Syndrome is commonly discussed amongst friends with a tone of great despair. “Oh, why do I find the same kind over and over again?”, one might moan to a confidant. “It’s always the same.” The person involved in this syndrome often feels ashamed and defeated by his or her compulsion to recreate painful scenarios. Sometimes he or she may even imagine that he or she is involved in a seemingly mythical curse which cannot be changed.

Awareness of destructive choices should never be viewed with self-derision or disgust. Rather, awareness of negative repetitious behavior should serve as an opportunity to understand that one’s psyche, in an attempt to bring about healing, is actually trying to master a childhood situation in which there was previously helplessness and loss of control. The mind is saying, “Let’s repeat those uncomfortable situations again and again until we get them right”. And repeating problematic situations is actually the mind’s way of trying to heal them!

By gaining insight into painfully repetitious behavior, one can conquer unproductive, endless encounters, as well as the constant, debilitating hopelessness that accompanies them.

Start by working to forgive yourself. Instead, grasp the opportunity to recognize and resolve the underlying memories that unconsciously propel you toward destructive, repetitious behaviors. Thank the mind for its childlike (but ineffective) attempt to repeat problems until they are resolved. Then take the time to rewrite your own drama from an adult perspective. As you learn to ‘re-write’ your life, here are a few points to keep in mind:

• Never enter a relationship hoping for a major change.
• Never repeat bad situations in the hope that this time you will bring about different results.
• Challenge yourself to engage with partners, friends, and business opportunities that are unfamiliar, new, generative, challenging and positive.
• Always reflect on the nature of repetitive mistakes. Listen to those who suggest that you are recreating similar problems within your life.
• Never confuse the helplessness of childhood with the responsibilities of adulthood. The helplessness of the past is best resolved by forging friendships, business ties and opportunities with those who are responsible, productive and do not bring unnecessary pain and hardship into your life.

Recognition of repetitive cycles gives one the opportunity to finally heal. But healing can never begin until one learns to forgive himself and instruct his conscious mind to engage in better forms of unconscious behaviors by making healthier, more mature choices.