HOW TO FIND A (GOOD) PARTNER

Do you want a relationship, but ask yourself: "What if there's no one out there?" "Is there something wrong with me?" "What if I get hurt?"

These fears are natural, and you are not alone. Many others like you join internet dating sites with the same worries. But there is hope.

Although finding love is helped by numbers and sheer will; it is also dependent upon internal psychological factors such as open-mindedness, emotional availablity, and ego strength.

Therefore, I have identified four emotional attitudes that will help you to find love.

ATTITUDE #1: MAKE CHOICES THAT ARE COUNTER-INTUITIVE

If you like men who look like lumber jacks, date a guy who is appealing yet less rugged. If you are attracted to women who are aloof, try spending time with one who is social, emotionally connected and available. If you date men who enjoy being in control, date a man who is willing to follow your lead. If you only feel comfortable with women who have less money, try dating one who is financially successful.

Breaking patterns is important, because it creates the emotional possibility for meeting healthier partners. Relationships that begin with a lot of heat are likely to spontaneously combust. And those who seem appealing in a poignant, yet familiar way may possess personality characteristics and attitudes that are attractive for unhealthy reasons.

ATTITUDE #2: VALUE YOUR LIFE

Learn to feel important and expect to be treated accordingly.

Pursue your own goals, spend time with friends, save for the future, and guard your resources. If you feel tempted to inappropriately ‘set aside’ your personality, needs and wishes in order to please another person, you may not be ready to be in an intimate relationship.

In order to love, you must believe that you are worthy of being loved. Conversely, supressing your personality and inclinations in order to please another is usually a recipe for disappointment and pain instead of romance.

ATTITUDE #3: VALUE THE LIVES OF OTHERS

If you find yourself consistently engaging in devaluing thoughts, you may be undoing your chances for love.

Thoughts such as: “He's fat” “I only date skinny women” “Who cares if he gets hurt” “She doesn’t deserve a return telephone call” “I don’t need to spend money on her ... she’s just a booty call” all convey a devaluing attitude toward others. If you believe others are unimportant, you will find it impossible to emotionally invest in a meaningful love relationship.

Take the time to convey thoughtful respect. Give a gift, buy a meal, listen, understand, spend time together. Thoughtful respect can form the pathway for investing the libido and interest required for falling in love.

ATTITUDE #4: DON'T BE IMPULSIVE — GIVE IT TIME

Dating services present large numbers of available partners at the click of a mouse. But that is only the first step.

Relationships take time. Yet time can feel overly precious when there are too many other temporary relationships available. If you want to find a good partner, replace instant sexual and social gratification with the gradual unfolding a good old-fashioned dating process.

Don’t abandon ship after the first argument or disappointment. The relationship that is quickly abandoned, may have been the relationship you were searching for. And the resolution of a minor argument or disappointment may prove to be more judicious than finding a new person to love. Instead of fleeing after petty disagreements, make a commitment to yourself — to stick with the relationship for an adequate period of time.

Finding a good partner begins with a decidedly different point of view and a willingness to try something new in relating to others. It starts before you join the detaing service and culminates with a resolution to resist acting in ways which have yielded negative results. With this in mind, make a decision to admire, respect, and trust instead of devaluing the people you meet. For it’s only through the creation of positive mental constructs that relationships that are dreamed of can finally be brought to life.