HOW TO FIND A (GOOD) PARTNER

In both my professional and everyday life I hear individuals worry about lack of available, suitable romantic partners. Of course, the worry is rarely talked about directly. Usually, it comes in the form of subtle questions: “Do you think there are any good men or women around? “Are they capable of forming committed relationships?” “What am I doing wrong?” “I don’t trust the ones who are out there.” “My last relationship was a disaster.”

Questions such as these, while understandable, fail to address more important issues pertaining to loving and relating. Primarily, why are so few people finding what they want, when so many are professing to want a relationship? Every night there are thousands on the streets, in clubs, and on the internet searching for the same thing. And although many of them settle for sex, most are yearning for something that will last. In spite of this, few seem to experience ‘luck’ with their love lives while many are struggling daily.

Loving—and finding someone to love—is not just a matter of numbers and sheer will. Finding a good boyfriend or girlfriend is dependent upon internal psychological factors such as open-mindedness, emotional capability and ego strength. And the individual who is psychologically capable of forming loving alliances with others is less likely to experience difficulty finding a partner than the individual who has unconscious conflicts and limitations regarding intimate love relationships.

With this in mind, I have identified four emotional attitudes that will help you to find a romantic partner and deepen your relationships).

ATTITUDE #1: WILLINGNESS TO BREAK THE MOLD

One of the most common impediments to finding love is repeating negative relationship patterns from childhood. You will have notice that I frequently address the problem of making repetitive bad choices. You may also have learned that it is human nature to unconsciously select partners who have similar difficulties to those once encountered in a parent.

For this reason, searching for a partner must include willingness to make choices that are ‘counter-intuitive’. If you like men who look like lumber jacks, take the plunge and date a guy who is appealing yet less rugged. If you are attracted to women who are aloof, try spending time with one who is social, emotionally connected and available. If you date men who enjoy being in control, date a man who is willing to follow your lead. If you only feel comfortable with women who have less money, try dating one who is financially successful.

Breaking patterns is important, because it creates the emotional possibility for meeting healthier partners. Relationships that begin with a lot of heat are likely to spontaneously combust. And those who seem appealing in a poignant, yet familiar way may possess personality characteristics and attitudes that are attractive for unhealthy reasons.

So take a risk and spend time with someone who is not your type. You may encounter possibilities for love with men or women you would previously have deemed unsuitable and unlikely partners.

ATTITUDE #2: BELIEF THAT THERE IS VALUE TO YOUR LIFE

In order to find a good relationship, you must believe that there is value to your life. In other words, you must learn to feel important and expect to be treated accordingly.

How does an individual learn to feel valuable and worthwhile? Appropriately pursuing one’s own goals, spending time with friends, saving for the future, and guarding one’s resources can all contribute to feeling personally valuable. If you feel tempted to inappropriately ‘set aside’ your personality, needs and wishes in order to please another person, you may not be ready to be in an intimate relationship.

In order to love, you must believe that you are worthy of being loved. Conversely, supressing your personality and inclinations in order to please another is usually a recipe for disappointment and pain instead of romance.

ATTITUDE #3: BELIEF THAT THERE IS VALUE TO THE LIVES OF OTHERS

You will have an easier time finding a partner if you ascribe value to the lives of others. Conversely, if you find yourself consistently engaging in devaluing thoughts about other men or women you may be undoing your chances for love.

Thoughts such as, “He sure has a big belly.” “I only date women who are slim.” “Who cares if he gets hurt.” “She doesn’t deserve a return telephone call.” “I don’t need to spend money on her ... she’s just a sex partner.” all convey a devaluing attitude toward others. Devaluation sends a message that others are unimportant and lack worth. And this kind of an attitude makes it almost impossible to emotionally invest in a meaningful love relationship.

Take the time to convey thoughtful respect toward others—especially those in whom you are romantically and emotionally interested. Thoughtful respect can be conveyed through giving a gift, purchasing a meal, listening, understanding, spending time together, and making an effort to appreciate the forces at work in another person’s life. And thoughtful respect can form the pathway for investing the libido and interest required for falling in love.

ATTITUDE #4: ALLOWING TIME FOR A RELATIONSHIP DEVELOP

In this era of technology driven communication, instant messaging, dating services and, that old stand-by, ‘pick-up’ bars, it has become easier to form instant alliances. Computers allow individuals to communicate and develop relationships almost instantaneously. And dating services present large numbers of available partners at the click of a mouse.

Instant relating via a computer, while valuable for certain purposes, sometimes allows individuals to avoid the important task of learning to assess the personalities of others. And ‘pick-up’ bars, while potentially valuable for certain purposes, sometimes foster the belief that gratification can be consistently and adequately gained without devoting the time and energy it takes to develop a significant relationship.

While bars, dating services, and computer based communication play a significant role in society, they can never replace the slow unfolding of a significant, intimate love relationship. Relationships take time. Yet time can feel overly precious when there are too many other temporary relationships available. If you want to find a good partner, it may be necessary to replace instant sexual and social gratification with the gradual unfolding a good old-fashioned dating process.

Once you find someone in whom you are interested, make the decision to devote time and energy to the relationship. Don’t abandon ship after the first argument. Arguments may present an opportunity to learn something about your own short-comings. And arguments may ‘force’ types of communication that can take the relationship toward a deeper level of understanding.

The relationship that is quickly abandoned after a petty argument or disagreement may have been the relationship you were searching for. And the resolution of an argument may prove to be more judicious than finding a new person to love. Instead of fleeing after petty disagreements, make a commitment to stick with the relationship for an adequate period of time.

Finding a good partner begins with a decidedly different point of view and a willingness to try something new in relating to others. It starts before one leaves the house and culminates with a resolution to resist acting in ways which have yielded negative results. With this in mind, make a decision to admire, respect, and trust instead of devaluing the people you meet. For it’s only through the creation of positive mental constructs that relationships that are dreamed of can finally be brought to life.