GETTING STARTED

Is there an endeavor (a career, a project, education, a potential love relationship) that you would like to begin, but can’t? In both my professional and social life I often encounter individuals who would like to make changes in their lives, yet cannot get started.

For instance Bob, a friend who has been searching for a girlfriend for the past eleven years, rarely invites women on dates. Allison, a colleague who recently graduated from a prestigious academic program, worries that she will not have the motivation to launch her career. And Angela, a businesswoman with a successful career, has been trying to lose the same twenty pounds throughout her adult life.

All of these individuals have one thing in common: They have a goal that seems valuable, yet they cannot get started. Why is it that some individuals cannot begin the projects that are important to them? And what enables successful individuals to take risks and begin new ventures as opportunities present themselves?

The reasons that individuals feel unable to confront and begin new challenges are varied. Some are unaware of the unconscious forces that work against the changes they would like to make. Some fear success. Some fear failure. And quite often, individuals find it difficult to define an appropriate course of action and stick to a plan.

When I meet with patients for the first time, I usually discover that there is a change they would like to make in their lives. I also frequently discover that they are unaware of the unconscious forces that work against change and therefore have not made a plan that is viable. Before continuing to read, think about your life. Is there an opportunity or plan that you would like to implement? This plan could be as simple as moving to a new apartment or as complex as learning to communicate or think for yourself.

The following is a list of suggestions that will help you get started:

• Before making a change, clearly define your goal. For instance, instead of saying, “I want to improve my love relationship” say, “I want to improve my relationship by reducing arguments and creating better understanding and communication. Instead of saying, “I want to save money for a vacation next summer” say, “I want to open a savings account and deposit $200 a month for the next six months. This money will fund my vacation in the Bahamas.”

• After defining your goal, evaluate past obstacles that have prevented you from moving forward. For instance, if you have been trying unsuccessfully to succeed in business there may be specific factors that have prevented you from achieving your goals. These factors could include unrealistic expectations, lack of funding, lack of education, failure to create a business plan, etc. Many individuals fail in their endeavors without any realistic sense of what went wrong. Resist the temptation to blame failure on external circumstances. Instead, look inward. And before embarking on your next venture, make a comprehensive list of obstacles that stood in your way.

• With major goals (weight loss, establishment of a relationship, re-establishing ties with estranged family, etc.), I often recommend enlisting the help of a professional. I recommend this, because failure to facilitate change sometimes results from simple ignorance or lack of experience. Furthermore, professionals have the advantage of education, seniority and experience in matters that may feel mysterious or challenging to the novice. A colleague recently shared with me the following story: “A patient once sought therapy because she had tried unsuccessfully on her own to communicate effectively with her mother. She was angry at her mother for tolerating emotional and sexual abuse that she (the patient) had experienced at the hand of her father. After the first session, I asked my new patient to bring her mother to the session. Upon meeting the mother, I was able to ascertain that her mother had mild mental deficits that made her unable to comprehend important aspects of reality (although this observation could not have been detectable to the casual observer). This insight allowed my patient to realize that her mother was mentally limited, and therefore had been incapable of protecting her. It also helped her to ‘let go’ of the anger she had been harboring all of her life.” This is one of many examples of the heartache and mistakes that can be potentially avoided simply by enlisting the help of a professional. On her own, this patient may have continued to unnecessarily blame her mother for past pain that had been inflicted upon her.

• You may have a difficult time getting started because you are not in touch with feelings of dread. For example, a man recently sought my advice because he wanted help losing weight. He had tried unsuccessfully for years to lose weight, but repeatedly failed after losing the first ten pounds. Through talking with me, he discovered that he associated the process of dieting with feelings of deprivation he had experienced during childhood. This, in turn, created feelings of dread whenever he attempted to lose weight. Once he understood the nature of his dread, he was able to successfully proceed with his weight loss goals.

• You may have a difficult time getting started because you are unwilling to let go of old habits and patterns that are comfortable. For instance, an acquaintance of mine often complains bitterly about her current love relationship. Yet when she is presented with opportunities to date other men, she is unable to relinquish the emotional familiarity and financial comfort her current partner provides. She worries about her inability to make changes. Instead, she should focus on letting go of temporary pleasure for eventual positive gain.

• Finally, in order to get started you must be willing to take action. If you want to find a boyfriend, begin meeting men. If you want better sex, communicate with your partner. If you want more money, seek financial advice (and then follow it). If you want an education, make plans to attend a school. If you want to become physically fit, begin exercising. Deferring action creates dread. And dread creates the illusion that you cannot effectively face and accomplish personal goals.

Getting started requires defining goals, seeking help, evaluating potential obstacles and taking action with a plan that is realistic in its step by step progression toward eventual completion. More importantly, getting started means making the choice to succeed.