ADDICTED TO LOVE

The Agony of Self-Deceit —
When it's your partner's fault

I know our relationship is going nowhere, but I can’t seem to leave. I guess I keep hoping things will get better... *Lisa is talking about her eight year on again—off again relationship with her partner, Mike. The couple had experienced troubles from the beginning. Mike was a heavy drinker who loved to hang out at bars. After each late night out, Mike would convince Lisa that his absence was innocent. Lisa would push away her anger and hurt, and within weeks the cycle would begin again.

As I listen to Lisa, I wonder if Mike really wants to change. And as the session continues, I help her think about Mike’s capabilities and intentions: Do Mike's symptoms cause him pain? Is Mike demonstrating any willingness to be different? Has Mike ever made an attempt to resolve the issues that are threatening the relationship?

In my clinical practice I frequently find that if an individual’s behaviors and feelings are not personally painful, and if he's not demonstrating a wish to be different, he's not likely to change. Mike was a chronic substance abuser who lied about his disappearances in order to avoid altering his behavior. In addition, his substance abuse problems were not personally painful. Moreover, he was not concerned about Lisa’s anguish. Therefore, I did not think it was likely that he would resolve the issues that were threatening the relationship.

Whenever I hear a man or woman complain about their partner, I try to help them understand whether or not that person genuinely wants to change. If there is willingness, I help them make a plan to improve the relationship. (Frequently, couples find that solutions are easier than they imagine). But if one of them demonstrates a serious resistance to personal insight or evolution, I help the other to either accept the painful situation or move on.

Unfortunately, many individuals find it difficult to leave painful relationships. They live in an emotional nether world, wishing their lives were different and feeling helpless to separate themselves from emotional over-involvement and pain. When this state of affairs persists for a long period of time, an addictive quality begins to settle over their lives.

LOVING AN ILLUSION

When love becomes addictive, it can feel tremendously difficult to separate from the one whom you love. Difficulty separating is often worsened by the construction of illusions—powerful perceptions that are created to obscure reality and to deny disappointment and pain.

Common illusions are:

• He really wants to change.
• He doesn’t mean to drink or use so much.
• Someday he’ll/she’ll be different.
• He doesn’t know what he’s/she’s doing.
• He’s afraid to admit how much he/she loves me.
• He doesn’t mean to hurt me.
• He’s on the brink of being successful.

Illusions can be based upon a future hope rather than present reality. For example, Mary loved a man who financially abused her. Whenever Mary gave her partner (a struggling actor) money, her partner would convey that he was on the verge of great financial success which would enable him to eventually repay the loan. With this disclaimer, he continually borrowed money and exercised bad judgment in both his career and his financial dealings. Instead of confronting reality, Mary created the illusion that he would someday be rich, famous and powerful. In fact, Mary began to view him as successful despite his impoverished circumstances. An illusion was born, and he never changed.

COVERING UP

Many men and women become addicted to love because they choose unhealthy partners, and then take all of the responsibility for turning them into better people. Although these men and women may wish to be altruistic, they are not. To be altruistic is to give to another without expecting anything in return. Men and women who try to rehabilitate their partners have tremendous expectations. They expect that if they are kind, giving, self-sacrificing, non-judgmental and self-effacing, their partner will not disappoint them or turn on them. They give in the hopes of getting. They offer themselves as a sacrifice so that they will be spared the consequences of their partner’s bad mental health.

Men and women who work hard to change others do not realize that the more responsibility they take, the less responsibility their partner will take. And the more they try, the more they spare their partner from making an effort.

Men and women who take too much responsibility engage in certain types of behaviors:

• They take disproportionate financial responsibility, so that their partner won’t feel taxed. i.e., they pick up the bill when it is inappropriate, they give overly expensive gifts, they do not expect to be given to in return, they lend money without ever counting the personal cost, etc.
• They invest excessive energy into their appearance to try to keep their partner’s attention. They try to compete with others who attract their partner, rather than expecting appropriate attention and loyalty.
• They suppress their thoughts and ideas, so that their partner won’t become upset. They become experts at keeping their opinions to a minimum, so that there will be nothing about them that their partner may not like.
• They make excuses for their partner’s behavior. There is very little their partner can do, for which they won’t find a reason. If their partner criticizes them, they might say, "They are only trying to help." If they have an affair, they could say, "I must have unreasonable expectations."
• They try to seduce people who are distant, in the hopes of bringing them around. If their partner ignores them, they take all of the responsibility for engaging him and holding him into the relationship. They never expect to be pursued.

When those in difficult and trying relationships use hope, illusion and self-deceit to better their outlook, they eventually become addicted and lose opportunities to meet others who can bring happiness and genuine fulfillment into their lives.

WHEN IT'S YOUR FAULT

"Should I call him/her again? He said he would be in touch, but it’s been four days and I haven’t heard anything. Perhaps he’s waiting to call because he has family in town and doesn’t want to introduce them to me.... I waited all day Saturday hoping he would try to reach me, but he never did. I don’t understand… I’ve seen him/her every Saturday for the last four weekends, and this weekend he didn’t call. Do you think I did something wrong? Perhaps I said something that upset him. Perhaps he has another girlfriend. Perhaps he not interested anymore. I ran our last conversation by all of my friends, and none of them think I did anything inappropriate. What do you think?"

*Julie is trying to understand a recent lapse in communication with a man she has been dating for a short time. The relationship began with romantic dinners, great conversation and dozens of telephone calls. And other than a few minor misunderstandings, there had been no signs of trouble in the relationship. But four days have passed, and Julie’s telephone has not rung. Julie is in a panic.

"Perhaps you should let the relationship unfold at a natural pace," I respond. Although I can empathize with Julie’s anxiety, I feel that she should not jump to conclusions before talking to her potential new partner. Julie is quick to form judgments, and inevitably forces partners to premature commitments and explanations because she cannot tolerate the anxiety of waiting. Sometimes Julie’s anxiety drives away potentially good relationships with men who are self-confident and assured enough to tolerate the ambiguity and unspoken nuances of a new relationship. And Julie loses out, because these men do not want to become trapped with partners who are intolerant and insecure.

Julie has a problem that is self-created and self-perpetuated. She longs for a good relationship, but engages in ways of thinking that can only be tolerated by unhealthy men. This is turn exposes her to partners who are incapable of mature relating and intimacy. And their lack of commitment and warmth creates a worry and desperation that eventually makes Julie feel love-addicted and needy.

The following character traits reinforce and entrench the relationship addiction that Julie has come to fear:

Difficulty Letting Relationships Unfold at a Natural Pace

One of Julie’s primary difficulties is letting relationships unfold slowly. Julie’s problem with slow, natural evolution of love relationships stems from a deep mistrust about whether or not he is lovable. When Julie does not receive regular telephone calls and assurances, she becomes afraid that the other person no longer cares. This is turn fosters a wish to pursue the other person and force him to premature commitments. It also prompts her to ‘tack down’ plans and intentions in ways that foreclose opportunities, mystery and excitement.

Sometimes, Julie becomes discouraged and gives up on relationships before they have had a chance to take ‘hold’.

In therapy, Julie began to understand that her mistrust about whether or not others cared unwittingly led her to become overly anxious (and occasionally controlling). Once she learned to manage her worries about whether or not she would find true intimacy and love, she developed a confidence that drew healthy men into her life.

Disproportionately Investing Time, Money and Emotional Energy

Not only was Julie unsure about whether or not others cared, she was doubtful about whether or not others wanted to spend time with her. This is turn prompted her to invest more time, money and emotions into her love relationships than was appropriate or necessary. Unconsciously, she was ‘paying her partners back’ for their kindness. And although she rationalized that she was being thoughtful, she was actually giving gifts, time and emotions as insurance policies against being abandoned.

The more Julie invested, the less her partners gave in return. This was because Julie’s concern about ‘paying back’ sparked a flurry of thought and emotion that was not necessarily reciprocated or appreciated. Her excessive involvement communicated to others that she was willing to be taken advantage of. This made her vulnerable to men who strung her along and took advantage of her attentions and generosity.

Julie eventually learned that the only way to guard against love-addiction and unrequited love was to value herself and avoid men who did not want to spend time with her.

Blaming Herself

Whenever Julie faced a relationship failure, she blamed himself. When a call was not returned, she would ask, "What did I do?" When an invitation was not reciprocated, she would say, "Is there something wrong with me?" Whenever she was ignored or hung out to dry, she would say, "Am I asking too much? Are my standards too high? What did I do to create this situation?"

Although Julie looked like she was being fair-minded and introspective, she was actually lodging accusations against herself for every mistreatment she received. She was terribly conflicted about expressing anger toward insincere partners, and instead would became angry and rejecting toward herself. This was not a new pattern for Julue. Early in life, she had learned to blame herself for her parents failures.

Sometimes Julie’s self-blame was not conscious or apparent. It came in the form of unconscious self-recriminations that resulted in low self-esteem, self-devaluation, anxiety and worthlessness.

In therapy, Julie discovered that the only way to separate from unrewarding and depriving relationships is to be able to say, "With this particular person, I will never be loved as I hope to be loved. This has nothing to do with me, or my own personal failures. Therefore, I simply need to walk away and find somebody new." Julie was finally able to take this important step when she learned to acknowledge failures in others instead of continually blaming herself.

MOVING FORWARD WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND YOUR LIFE

As you know, attachment is the fundamental glue that holds relationships together. And without it, no relationship could survive. Occasionally, however, attachment becomes unreasonably strong and continues even when a relationship has become degenerative or destructive.

Last week I spoke at length with *Larry, a friend who is experiencing great unhappiness in his romantic life. Larry wanted to talk about a recent incident that had made him feel rejected and upset. The week before, he and his girlfriend, Kate, had made plans to spend the day together. But when Larry arrived at Kate’s home, Kate abruptly announced that she had other plans and then disappeared without explanation. This was not unusual. Kate seems to derive peculiar pleasure from turning Larry down, disappointing him, or announcing that she is unable to accommodate whatever plans Larry has proposed. In my professional opinion, Kate is unreasonably terrified of feeling engulfed or controlled. And this leads to a personality style that prompts her to say ‘no’ more easily than she is able to say ‘yes’.

Larry, however, derives an even more perverse and unusual pleasure. Whenever Larry is able to convince Kate to spend time with him (they have been together for two years, and rarely spend evenings or weekends together) he feels that he has ‘won Kate over’. Although Larry is not conscious of feeling unreasonably victorious whenever he gets his way, his unusual satisfaction is conveyed through his participation in multiple disappointments and occasional triumphs.

As I listen to Larry, I frequently ask myself: What makes their relationship so addictive?

REVERSAL OF FORTUNE

Larry and Kate’s relationship is addictive because they use each other to reverse unpleasant childhood scenarios. For example, Kate was raised by an extremely dominating mother and a rigid, authoritarian father. Both parents controlled her without regard for individuality or temperament. They kept Kate alone at home for entire weekends while her friends were out playing and enforced strict disciplines for minor infractions.

Because of her powerlessness during childhood, Kate now derives great satisfaction from asserting independence. She continually rejects Larry in order to reassure herself that she is in charge of her own life. And she cherishes individuality more than intimacy or relating.

Larry, on the other hand, was raised by parents who were preoccupied and unavailable. As a result of this, Larry feels inordinately pleased whenever he grabs Kate’s attention. He overlooks repeated rejections and focuses instead on the triumph of winning Kate over (a feat he was never able to accomplish with his own parents).

Larry and Kate act out a dynamic I frequently see in my private practice. Each of them uses the other to correct the deficiencies and injuries of childhood. And their unconscious fixation with the past makes the relationship feel addictive, unhappy and unwholesome.

BREAKING UP

Larry and Kate are not unusual. Many couples relate to each other as they once related to a parent - or wished they could have related to a parent. And most individuals are quick to re-experience feelings that were evoked during childhood. When this tendency goes unchecked, however, a relationship can begin to feel unusually powerful and difficult to break apart.

Mental health professionals help individuals work toward satisfaction in intimate relationships. A commonly used technique is taking feelings that are unusually strong or reactionary, and then finding parallels between these feelings, associated past traumas and repetitive current problems. For instance, a person who feels unusually anxious about allowing freedom toward partners may unconsciously be responding to childhood experiences of being betrayed. And a person who tolerates mistreatment in relationships may unconsciously be responding to old perceptions of personal inadequacy.

MOVING FORWARD

Relationships are most satisfying when old, unhealthy ways of relating are ‘broken up’ and replaced by fresh attitudes and new perspectives. Larry and Kate consulted with a therapist, and discovered that they were replaying tired, destructive dynamics with each other. In order to make their relationship feel satisfying rather than addictive, they began to experiment with ways of relating that previously felt unthinkable. Kate began to commit to social invitations that would normally feel threatening. And Larry began to focus on the reality of his need to spend time with Kate. At the same time, they both began to assert themselves appropriately. As they ‘broke up’ old ways of thinking and responding, the relationship began to feel more enjoyable and less addictive.

Kate and Larry discovered a tenet central to healthy loving: The reason it is hard to leave addictive relationships is that both people are frequently trying to work out unresolved feelings from childhood. When past is separated from present two people are free to invest in a relationship based on mutual love and respect, free from impasses and unresolved dilemmas.

*The people mentioned in this article are fictitious characters created from a combination of personality types commonly seen in clinical practice and everyday life.